Looking within Part 2

 i have always been attracted to and a little bit jealous of how carefree she is. when we go out she always comes out of the ladies room with a new friend. i am the wall flower, i hide in the shadows, and at one low point in out relationship she admitted to me that she was starting to lose herself in the shadows with me. i had never even realized in her attempt to "protect me" from her loud, outgoing larger than life, sometimes cringe inducing (to me and my wall flower ways) self, she started hiding in the shadows with me. when this came to light i screamed NO! no your not supposed to be hiding with me, your supposed to be outgoing, your supposed to loud, your supposed to induce cringes!! those cringes those moments when i look like i may die of embarrassment are the thrill you bring to me, its me venturing ever so slightly away from my comfort zone. it killed me to realize i had stifled her at all.

when i met her... when i fell in love with her, i had no control over her, she was a wild spirit, she was adventurous and she scared the hell out of me with some of her ideas, and i never wanted to control her, i never wanted to change her! i was a horny undersexed perv, who may have met his match, she was gorgeous, outgoing adventurous amazing woman! and i fell for her hard! she kept me on my toes, she makes me feel things i never knew i could feel. My hang ups though, my jealousy and my fears are what brought her into my shadows, she did it to try to protect me, she thought she was too much for me, she's not too much! She exactly what I need, I live vicariously through her, she drags me out of the shadows and she does it In Just such a way that I want to show her I can do it! She's not forcing me into situations, iv never begged and pleaded with her to stop, iv never felt embarrassed when I'm with her. I'm not the guy that would ride a mechanical bull in a bar, but I did... And she didn't even suggest it, I decided to prove to her and myself I could be that guy. And I was able to throw myself out of the shadows because of her love and support. Sure I got tossed off that bad boy ass over teakettle, but I did it. To some that may not seem like a very big deal but for me it was. I have other things I'm working up to, and I know with her ill get there!


Very often I end up being my own worst enemy! I get up in my head about stuff and it can be very dangerous, it effects my mood, it almost launches me into a depression, or maybe it's the other way around. I know when I get like this it isn't conducive to a healthy relationship, I know it does no good, I know it only helps creat and feed drama and a crazy cycle. I'm slowly learning that no matter what I do good or bad everything could end tomorrow, so why let myself get like that? Why not enjoy what I have while I have it, and in turn maybe I'll have it for longer! Forever!! I know when I get like that I put unnecessary stress on my wife. Iv been up and down about this lifestyle/arrangement over the last week, but why? Currently there's nothing I bring to the table that she can't love without that she couldn't get elsewhere... Except... My love! My Unconditional love, she doesn't depend on me financially, and although the sex is great, I know for a fact there are lovers better than me out there, she's attracted to me but she's attracted to a lot of men, my looks are not extraordinary, I'm average at best with a little swagger for added bonus. But I love her!! I can't say no one will ever love her like I do, but I truly believe I live her unconditionally, I will and have fought for her and I will continue to fight for her! She is my everything. And in this new lifestyle in my new role as a hubby to a HotWife, I need to remember I LOVE HER! And I want her to have her cake and eat it too, isn't that what this is really about? She has my undying devotion, and a few boytoys to play with when I'm away. Why shouldn't she be able to have it all, she's my queen and I want her to have the world! I need to stop doubting myself, I need to get back my confidence. I know I want to give her everything she desires, in order to do that I need to be very secure in myself! I know this, I just need to put it into action.

Thanks for reading I didn't intend this to go as deep as it did, but the point of this post was mostly self discovery.